


Breakdown

by IzoSadrit



Category: True Beauty - Fandom, 여신강림 | True Beauty (Korea TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Cuddles, Depression, Emotional Hurt, Fluff, Love, M/M, Mental Health Stuff, Panic Attacks, Pills, Suicide Attempt, Terrible writing, They truly do love each other they just don’t know it yet, first fic, idk where I’m going with this, sad maybe, why am I doing this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-13 00:00:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 19,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29144100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IzoSadrit/pseuds/IzoSadrit
Summary: Do you remember the fight in the gym? Let's just say that night was much worse than we remember. Sometimes the scariest thing about depression is how good people are at hiding it.(I am currently working between two plot points but have a solid base for it. Some short chapters but regular updates)
Relationships: Seojun Han/Suho Lee
Comments: 119
Kudos: 186





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Once again this fanfic has no set direction so some tags may not be accurate. My writing is pretty terrible not gonna lie but I didn’t find many fics on these characters and I wanted to see how this would play out. So yeah here we go I guess. Enjoy! 
> 
> This is an edit: I know these first two chapters are really short but by about the 3rd or 4th they get lengthier.

Seojun walked toward Suho, not even casting a glance his way. If it hadn’t been for those idiots he wouldn’t be forced to spend time with this pathetic waste. Hands in pockets he swiftly walks past him. 

“Han Seo Jun,” Seojun comes to a stop. Releasing a sigh with an annoyed expression he turns his head toward the voice. Suho stands holding the broom with a tired look. He hadn’t been sleeping well for the past few nights, or really since the night Seyeong took his life.

“What do you want from me?” He was tired of all the fighting. The tension that came with their every meeting. Every accusation. Losing one of his friends had been devastating, he didn’t have the energy to fight his other one. 

Seojun looked down with a dark expression. Suho was asking what he wanted? He wanted nothing to do with this murderer. Looking back up with his sharp cold eyes he replied, “What do I want?” A little snark and menace were held within his voice. He made no attempt to hide his hatred as he said, “Stay out of my sight.”

~  
Suho watched the back of Seojun leave. Tears slightly pricked his eyes but he wouldn’t let them fall. Seojun was right, wasn’t he? He was a cold-hearted bastard who had killed his best friend. If he had just picked his phone none of this would've happened. The world seemed to freeze and his chest collapsed. 

He stood frozen staring at the ground with blurred eyes. Everything was his fault. He didn’t deserve to be happy. His breath was getting shallower and shallower as his lungs fought to breathe and his body started to tremble. Somewhere his brain registered the fact that his hand had dropped the broom. Millions of thoughts rushed through his brain and sobs racked his body.

Why? Why was he still here? Why hadn’t he picked up his phone? He didn’t deserve to be alive. Seyeon would still be here if he had never met him. Seojun would be happy. His lungs locked and his vision was fading. Was he on the ground? There was a slight throbbing in his head. Sobs racked his body and he started holding his throat. He couldn’t breathe! Why couldn’t he breathe? Rolling onto his side, his lungs screamed at him to breathe as pressure-filled them. 

Maybe it was better to not fight it. The world would be better without him anyway. The throbbing within his head was replaced by a memory. The piano room. Watching Seyeon and Seojun with a smile as they slept. Slowly he turned the keyboard off and pulled some blankets over them. Everything was perfect. As he laid down he held a smile on his face. It was all okay. Soon everything would be over.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here we go with another crappy chapter. Honestly I wasn’t quite sure how to write this part so it’s just kinda here...

Frustrated Seojun walked back down the school halls to the gym. He had forgotten the keys to his motorcycle. How he had forgotten them was a mystery to him. As much as he wished not to see Suho again he knew that jerk would still be sweeping. Acting all righteous and fully completing the job. He was probably just doing it to get in the teachers' good books. 

Pushing the door to the gym open he cast his eyes around the room. That was where he found Suho lying on the ground. With a scoff, he walked toward him. Did he seriously fall asleep here? 

“Ya wake up.” Nudging him slightly with his foot he refused to look at his body. Did he think he owned the place? Why would he fall asleep here? “Hey wake up you punk,” something felt off about this and Seojun didn’t like the uneasy that had crept into his stomach. With a hint of panic, he crouched beside Suho. Flipping him off his side he saw a smile on his face. 

Growing more panicked as Suho refused to wake up, Seojun hurriedly pulled his phone from his pocket. After he called the ambulance the ordeal turned into a blur. He was speaking with the operator until the ambulance arrived. After that they sped off to the hospital and finally as Seojun watched the nurses wheel Suho away he realized he brought his hand up to his face and felt something wet. Was he crying?

It seemed like hours had passed until a doctor came up to him. “Are you the patient's family?” Without a thought, Seojun said yes. “Do you know if the patient has panic attacks often?” Panic attacks? Suho had panic attacks? Giving a negative answer the doctor seemed displeased.”I would recommend a full physiological analysis to be done after he wakes up. He may have panic attacks often due to some mental issues. Many times they can be tied to anxiety and depression.” After thanking the doctor Seojun sat back down. 

How could he not know Suho had mental issues? Didn’t he deserve it though after all the pain he had caused? It wasn’t his fault. That’s what he kept telling himself as he walked out of the hospital. It wasn’t his fault.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven’t had the chance to even look over this chapter so there might be a lot of mistakes. I’ll try and make the next chapter have more quality and a longer chapter.

Suho woke up to a pounding headache. Turning his stiff neck he saw a nurse next to some machine. “What happened?” It was slightly awkward to stare up at the nurse so he slowly sat up. “Ah Mr. Lee, nice of you to wake up. You were brought to the hospital after a severe panic attack. I’ll go get the doctor and he can explain it more.” Suho knit his eyebrows together. How could you pass out from a panic attack? From everything he had learned that was practically unheard of. 

As he waited for the doctor he glanced around the room. Who had brought him to the hospital? As far as he knew he had been alone in the gym. Had they seen the attack? What if they revealed it to the school? 

The door slid open to reveal who he assumed to be his doctor. Slowly he walked over to Suho’s bed. “Hello, Mr. Lee. I assume Nurse Kim updated you on what happened?” Suho nodded his head. “Great! If you wouldn’t mind, I would like to give you a small test is that alright?” Once again Suho nodded. After all, it didn’t seem like he had much of a choice. 

The questions the doctor had asked all seemed quite strange. Mainly he asked about feelings and his past life. Maybe this was a normal routine for patients to go through but Suho couldn’t see the point in it. After the exam was finished the doctor stood up to leave. “I’ll send your father in now. He has been waiting to see you for a while.” Of course he had. It was a wonder he had even shown up. Suho didn’t care how long he had waited. He didn’t want to see him. 

Laying back down he turned his back on the door and closed his eyes. Maybe if he fell asleep fast enough his father would just leave. 

~  
As the doctor came out of the room, Jooheon stood up. After getting the call about his son he had rushed to the hospital. He had already been informed about the panic attack and requested for permission of a mental health examination. “Mr. Lee after examining your son's answers I recommend several things. It appears he has been suffering from panic attacks since one of his friends' deaths. It seems he has depression and I would recommend seeing a counselor and getting antidepressants.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Doctor visits are always fun. Especially when that doctor is digging into personal matters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all I would like to clarify some things.  
> 1) The way the doctor goes about treating Suho is completely wrong and disgusting. No one should ever say that just because you don’t have “severe depression” or suicidal thoughts that you are lucky.  
> 2) Just because you haven’t been diagnosed with depression doesn’t mean you can’t feel sad. Don’t invalidate your feelings just because you aren’t sure if you have a mental illness. It will cause more harm then good.  
> Love you all and hope you enjoy this chapter!

At this point, Suho wasn’t quite sure what was happening. Sure he had a panic attack and he ended up in the hospital but that was a pretty easy fix. He never thought within a day he would be back once again. Much less getting a mental health checkup. No one had told them exactly what this test was for but he just assumed they were trying to figure out why he had panic attacks. Other than that there was nothing they could test for. He was perfectly happy and content with his life. Well, maybe not perfectly but you get the idea.

Everything was just so weird. His dad had been hanging around more and trying to “connect” with him. Whatever that meant. He didn’t need or want his care. Someday he would be tossed aside just as his mother had been. After all, if you could abandon the mother how much harder would it be to abandon the child as well?

For the longest time, he had nightmares of his mother dying. She was in pain sometimes and other times would just stare at the ceiling. Those weren’t the worst parts though. Occasionally she would speak to him. First starting soft and loving while eventually turning to hatred. Why hadn’t he confronted his father? In the end, she would be screaming and crying. Then he would walk up and live with the haunting memory of his mother's face. Withered, tired, and hysterical.

He had nearly forgotten what she looked like while she was alive. His father had ruined that memory for him. Looking at pictures didn’t help either. It only served to show the gradual timeline of his family's breakdown. Once smiling eyes turning to desperate pleas for love. 

“Lee Suho?” Coming out of his thoughts Suho lifted his head to see a lady standing by the door. He had been waiting in a small room with entirely too bright of lights and downright torturous seats. They looked soft and modern until you sat down. Once you settled in it turned into a medieval torture chair. Finally standing up led to stiffness in his back and legs. He knew it would be killer tomorrow while exercising. 

Yes, he had gone to school today. No, he had not found whoever brought him to the hospital. Jukyeong had been nice enough. Suho had been a bastard like always. Other than that he didn’t interact with anyone. To be completely honest he didn’t want to either. Yet he was still curious about who had found him and why they had helped him. 

Following the lady, through the door he came to a tiny room. It held a couch and a chair. Other than that the room was sparse. A single table rested next to the chair. The lady gestured for him to take a seat on the couch and so he did. 

Here he was. Sitting on a small couch, facing a woman he barely knew and asked to answer everything candidly. For a few uncomfortable moments, they sat staring at each other. He felt like she was observing every move he made. Maybe this is what animals feel like. If so he felt bad and swore never to stare at one again. The longer she stared, the more he itched for her to say something. 

“How is your home life?” Just like that the game had begun. It was a very personal question to start with. Suho didn’t know what he had expected. Maybe a hello or an introduction? Maybe if his family life hadn’t been so bad he wouldn’t have minded but this felt much too prying for him to be comfortable with it. 

“Normal I guess. My dad works a lot and I go to school. I don’t have any siblings.” Simple and straightforward. She didn’t ask about his mom so he didn’t tell her. It was true though. Every family had their problems, he just had more of them. 

“And your mom?” The lady had slightly looked up. Now that he thought about it she had never told him her name. Maybe he was already expected to know it? He felt her eyes gauging his reaction. He determined he didn’t like her eyes.

“She died when I was a kid.” Once again he gave a simplified response. He could explain that his parents' marriage had fallen apart. Or that he had seen his father with another woman the night she died. Heck, he could tell her all about the nightmare. But he didn’t and he won’t unless she asks specific questions. 

“How did you feel when she died?” There it was. The whole point of this meeting. To talk about his feelings. Explain how he was some traumatized little child who still needed someone to love him. Well, he didn’t. He realized when Seyeon had died that loving someone hurt more than being alone. 

“Sad I suppose. I mean what child wouldn’t feel sad when their mom dies? But I’ve accepted it and moved on.” There he went, his first white lie. It wasn’t like it mattered all that much. He didn’t care about getting treated. He was only here because of his father. Once this was over he would go home and never think about it again. 

It seemed she was satisfied with this answer as she quickly jotted something down and moved on to the next question. Most of them had to do with if he felt sad or if school was stressing him out. 

Suho had only two things left that were majorly sensitive for him. First was of course Seyeon and the second...was hard to explain. It was more of a feeling, maybe a mindset. 

It often crept through his thoughts and he was always aware of it lurking. It made the slightest of actions seem like an arduous task and connecting with others a chore. It constantly reminded him of his shortcomings. Probably the most terrifying part was that when this creature gained complete power over him he was left numb. He wanted to cry but couldn’t, wanted to scream but had no voice, and at the end of the day he just wanted to lay down but even that was too hard. 

He wouldn’t say he was depressed. It didn’t seem like the utter darkness that encompassed his whole life. There were times when he was still happy. No, he was fine. Normal even. Everyone got sad at times he was just being a wimp about it. 

Yet there was a lingering feeling at these words that never quite left. What if? What if this was a mental illness? I mean nobody else seemed to struggle with it. But every time these words appeared he remembered Seyeon. He could never compare to the pain Seyeon had gone through and he had no right to try and get attention through self-diagnosing. 

As the onslaught of questions finally came to an end, Suho's father was called in to discuss the “findings.” Maybe they would tell him to exercise more or perhaps eat better. Whatever it was it would in all likelihood be an


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few quick chapter notes. Firstly most of Suho's experience will be based on my own experience. Often he will deny his feelings or not feel like they are valid. This might confuse some people but know that Suho did not fake any of his answers and legitimately has depression. His panic attacks are based on what people on the internet say they feel like. I apologize if they are incorrect. Lastly, if you have any suggestions let me know in the comments. I'm always looking to improve my writing. Other than that have a great day and I hope you enjoy reading this chapter!

Do you know the worst part of childhood? It's a moment that makes it seem as if the world is crumbling around you. After spending so much of your time together you lose your best friend. Sometimes it's a fractured bond of childhood friendship, other times it's a splintered home, and sometimes it's a ruined childhood toy. 

Suho had the memory of that day burnt in his memory. There had never been a time without his precious bunny. His mother had given it to him on the day of his birth. He brought it everywhere and spent many nights staring out the window of their desolate house clutching it to his chest. It was the only comfort he had after his mother had left. It was the only tender naivety he had left. Everything else was tarnished beyond comparison.

Then it happened. He recalled every second of that period. His father had instructed someone to clean their house. Being a fool, Suho left his bunny lying on the chair. He was 13 years old so obviously, he shouldn’t have a stuffed animal. At least that's what the housekeeper had said. She had thrown it in the fire. Left his everything to be burned to ashes. By the time he came back Mr. Bunny was gone, forever. 

He had refused to eat. He remembered crying for days in his room. He couldn’t rest without it in his arms. Many nights following were spent laying on the floor slightly peering at the moon. He had felt so helpless. Broken.

He was just as broken now. He was such an attention seeker. Maybe he tricked the lady into diagnosing him with depression to get someone to notice him. It made him sick. How could he do that when real people struggled with this? His throat was so tight he wanted to scream. Maybe cry. Why was he so selfish? 

He was sitting in his room. He had everything he needed. A warm bed, plenty of food, his dad pestered him constantly, he knew people, he was smart. He had nothing to be sad about. Only two people to mourn for. Even then it wasn’t like no one else had gone through this pain. It was bearable. Others had it so much worse so it just didn’t make sense. How could he have depression when plenty of others went through so much worse and were just fine? No, he was fine. He had just faked it. The guilt overwhelmed him. He was a monster. A freak. 

It had been one day since the visit and everything felt so wrong. He felt terrible. He had stopped eating due to how sick he felt. It's not like he deserved to eat after everything he did. Going to school was painful. He just wanted to stay in bed all day. At least his dad stayed the same. Apparently, he took the doctor's word to heart. “It’s just a phase. You’ll be fine.” Those were the words he said as they drove home. Half of him was glad his dad didn’t fall for his attention-seeking stunt. The other part for whatever reason felt hurt. How could he say that? Why didn’t he believe him?

The worst part though? It was waking up in the morning. Every day he awoke to fatigue. He was just so tired. He would argue with himself just to get up. His brain begged him to go back to sleep. Slowly throughout the week, he started taking naps. After school, after dinner, on the weekends. He just slumbered his days away hoping the tiredness would go away. It never did. 

No matter how long he slept he couldn’t chase it away. At least sleeping brought him out of his pain. Suho kept a bottle of melatonin by his bed to help him sleep. He still had nightmares of his mom without them. They let him have a dreamless rest. 

The only time he didn’t sleep was when he went to school. Despite it all his grades were flawless as ever. While he still arrived on time without fail he never got to class as early anymore. He had stopped talking to really anyone at school. No one talked to him anyway so there wasn’t much of a difference in that aspect. Jugyeong and Seojun seemed to be getting along quite nicely. He was happy for them. Seyeon would've been so proud of Seojun for getting a girl. Probably would've teased him for it as well. He smiled at the thought. 

From what he could tell it seemed like they were dating. They sat together at lunch, delivered food to each other, and just goofed around. Maybe Suho should’ve been more hurt that Jugyeong wasn’t paying attention to him anymore. He was glad, however. She didn’t need to hang out with someone like him anyway. He would ruin her life or worse. Lead her to kill herself. 

He remembered her from that night on the roof. While he wasn’t sure how she was doing now he knew she didn’t need him around. He didn’t want another person he cared about to leave. So he let her go. Seojun would be the perfect fit for her. He was just so caring. It was something he missed from when they had been friends. 

As the bell rang he stood to go to the cafeteria. Standing in line to get some food he let his mind wander. Maybe he would go to the roof to eat. It sounded perfect to sit there and listen to music. Maybe he’d finish his lunch, maybe he wouldn’t. Although he was constantly hungry eating made him want to puke now. After a few bites, he felt like a pig. What would his mom think about him eating this much? He promised himself that he would only eat a little of the meal. 

As he stepped out of line he bumped into someone. His grip on the tray slipped and it went clattering to the ground. The sight of rice and meat on the ground clouded his vision. As he lifted his head up to apologize his eyes met a familiar pair of hazel eyes. He knew immediately a headache was going to follow this interaction.

“Watch where you’re going.” The words were delivered with a glare that managed to cause rage to build up. Why couldn’t he just let him be? He watched Seojun sit down. He wasn’t finished with him though. Walking to the table he quickly grabbed Seojun’s shirt. Before he knew what happened he was on the ground. He was certainly going to have a headache now. Something wet welled upon his lips and he tasted copper on his tongue. Seojun was going to pay. 

~  
Seojun did not end up paying. Even after they went to the principal's office Suho chose not to blame anything on Seojun. It was his fault. He shouldn’t have been spacing out in the line. He shouldn’t have chosen to pick a fight. Seojun had only been defending himself. 

Suho was the one who screwed up so why did they want to punish Seojun? It didn’t make sense. Couldn’t they see that he was supposed to be punished? Why did he always escape the penalty? He ought to be in jail after practically murdering his best friend. Yet here he was being brought back to class. At least this time Seojun wasn’t chastised. This was the second time this had happened. It felt like deja vu now that Suho thought about it. Their first fight had caused his panic attack. That day in detention was the catalyst for this mess he was in now.

Luckily history doesn't repeat itself. Seojun’s friends didn’t confront him. He made it home without a hitch and now he was back in bed. Except nothing was right. Tears streamed down his face. Why didn’t he save Seyeon? Why wasn’t he there? He would still have his best friends. He would laugh and smile. Suho didn’t remember the last time he had laughed. He just wanted to cry all the time now. 

He started sobbing. Within his chest, it felt like something was pounding against it trying to get out. Why couldn’t he stop crying? The room seemed to darken even more around him and his head just hurt. Fear crept within him and he started panicking. Why was he freaking out? He could hear the rush of blood through his ears. He curled upon himself. 

It was another panic attack. Okay, okay. He needed to breathe. Everything was okay. Everything was fine. With hands jumbling around he grabbed his headphones. Turning on some music he moved his hand up to his neck. One. He felt the vein as it thrummed. Two. His heart was still beating. Three. He could breathe. Four. He was going to be okay. Everything would be okay. 

Letting his eyes slide shut he continued counting his pulse. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. After counting for who knows long he finally fell asleep. The room was left in silence as a boy far too young laid completely still on the bed. As the moon shone through the window he looked almost peaceful. 

No one could guess the pain he went through if they saw him now. The world was far too cruel to a boy far too broken. If only someone could see the boy drowning. Maybe some did see the boy barely keeping his head above water and chose not to do something. Somehow the thought of that turns the world colder than ever before.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go! Sorry about the short break I needed to come up with a solid plotline and have been pretty busy the past couple of days. Again if you ever have any suggestions let me know in the comments. I appreciate any kudos as it definitely makes me want to continue the story faster. Hopefully, you guys all enjoy this chapter! I apologize if there is any mistake in the basketball scene. It is slightly different than in the show but if you want a better visual watch episode 5. Have a great day!

The days have been blurring together. Perhaps it was the pills or maybe he was sicker than anyone knew. Either way, Suho felt like the past month had all been one long nightmare. The pills he had to take only seemed to make his load more abysmal. After taking regular doses he had increased fatigue and yet it had added challenge falling asleep. His vision was blurred and often threw up in the mornings. 

Everything was affected. He found himself growing more agitated in every instance. One instance had happened a few weeks prior. Jugyeong had asked him a question, at this point, he wasn’t quite sure what the question had been, and the anger just appeared. He wanted to scream at her as his whole body had filled with tension. To avoid exploding in furry he had bit his tongue. Sure it had hurt but it was a cut above the guilt he would’ve felt from letting his emotions fly. 

In addition, he couldn’t seem to focus in class. He still had good grades but it took so much more effort. He was incapable of remembering what had been taught. At random times he would just blank out. In gym class he could barely play so he just decided to sit out and watch. He just recluded into his brain filled with empty thoughts. His thoughts were peaceful and quiet when around others. It was only when he was alone that they seemed to scream at him. He could feel his teacher’s gaze linger on him in class. His behavior was out of the ordinary, he knew that. But what could he do?

It felt like someone else was in his skin. Something in his brain pushing random buttons controlling his emotions. He didn’t want to get angry. He didn’t like the feeling that came over him. They made him miserable. Guilt overwhelmed him whenever he blew up on someone. He was a terrible person but he couldn’t help it. At least no one tried to approach him anymore. Jugyeong had tried at first but after his anger finally exploded on her she left him well alone. That was all he wanted. 

Seojun was practicing for the basket tournament today. Suho originally had joined but after everything that had happened ended up dropping out. No one knew yet. He could barely write correctly anymore much less handle a basketball and go toe to toe in a competition. Suho didn’t want to talk to his teammates and obviously, the teacher didn’t either. Maybe it was irresponsible but he couldn’t care less. He should probably tell them now that he thought about it. The tournament was today after all and he didn’t want to be on the roster.

Walking over to one of the boys he knew was on his team he pulled him aside. “Chin-hae I won’t be participating in today's tournament.” The look Chin-hae gave him was almost pitiful in a sense. It brought a small smile to his lips. Perhaps he would’ve laughed before but this smile was going to get him through the week. “You can’t do that Suho! You are the best player on the team. We need you! Please reconsider.” They needed him? He would just screw everything up. He could just tell him he was sick. But the look on Chin-hae’s face was too full of hope. When was the last time someone needed him? He could do this for Chin-hae.   
“Okay.” Those simple words brightened Chin-hae’s whole face and just seeing someone so happy because of him a smile grew on his face. It was the biggest smile he had since this whole mess started. Warmth piled into his stomach and he was happy at that moment. He could do this for Chin-hae. And so he did. 

He won all their games so far. It had been difficult to stay steady and his head was pounding but he was just too happy to stop. Everyone on the team has been happy. He made them happy. It was all worth it. He poured every ounce of concentration into his body. This was the final match. He was facing Seojun. With a shaky breath, he closed his eyes. He could do this for his team. 

Both Seojun and Suho walk to half-court for the opening tip. The look in Seojun’s eyes was off but Suho couldn’t focus on that. He had to win for his team. The ref threw the ball up and Suho gained possession. Running down the court, Suho passed the ball however he passed it in hopes one of the others was free to make the shot. As it got back to him he decided on a layup. He wasn’t confident in his ability to make any other shot. As he got past Seojun he went for the shot successfully scoring the first point of the game. Shaking off the nerves he ran down the court to block Seojun. Back and forth they played with each team only a couple of points behind. Suho was making consistent layups and Seojun consistently shot two-pointers. That was until Seojun started missing shots. Willing to take any advantage given to them they continued scoring as the other team fell behind. Then as Seojun came for a three-pointer the cheers of the crowd faded away. It was just them. Seojun seemed slightly distracted as he jumped. As the ball bounced to Suho’s teammate after a successful block he passed the ball and ran to the three-point line. With a deep breath, he let the ball fly out of his hands. It went in the basket and was closely followed by the sound of the buzzer. The game was over. The court erupted in cheers but Suho couldn’t bring himself to feel happy anymore. 

His breath was caught in his throat and his hands were shaking. The headache was ten times worse than before. He felt like passing out as spots of white came into vision. Slightly stumbling he walked into the locker room and changed. He needed to rest. As soon as he finished changing he headed to an empty room to lay down. He would be fine in a little bit. He just wanted to sleep.

~

It was dark when Suho woke up. His neck slightly hurt from the position he had been laying in and as he stood up he was still slightly dizzy. Other than that he was feeling much better. Checking his phone he headed down to the concert. Once he was close however he heard it. Seyeon’s song. Walking closer he felt tears gather in his eyes. He just stared at the stage as those lyrics pierced his body.

He had been so angry that night. He had heard the conversation about his father. He already knew he was a cheater but it still hurt. At home, he was just staring at the wall when his phone rang. Looking down he saw Seyeon’s name but he didn’t want to talk. He just wanted to be alone. So he left it on the table until it stopped ringing. He just wanted to be alone. It was all his fault. After he had gotten out of the shower he went to call him back only to see the news. A k-pop idol had just committed suicide. Seyeon couldn’t be dead. He tried reasoning with himself as he rushed to the site of the accident. The police wouldn’t let him see the body but as the arm slipped out and he saw their bracelet he knew. It all came pouring out and he was left on his knees staring at the cracked back of Seyeon’s phone. Sinking into a hole of despondency. 

It was all his fault. If he hadn’t been so selfish none of this would've happened. Seyeon had called him and he hadn’t picked up the phone. Tears poured down his face and not a sound left his mouth beyond the heavy pants. He needed to breathe but the song wouldn’t let him. Why hadn’t he picked up the phone? Why? Bending down he started to shake. He was having another panic attack. Why here? Why now? Everyone could see it but so what? They deserved to know how he murdered his best friend. He was a murderer. 

“Suho?” A concerned voice rang out to the right of him. Looking up he saw Jugyeong. He didn’t want to talk to her, he didn’t want to talk to anyone. He tried to walk away but merely stumbled into the wall. He felt her come close again. He just wanted to be alone. “Go.” He sounded weak. He was weak. He was pathetic. The anger rose before he could stop it. “Go away!” This time he sounded furious. All of the emotions seemed to collapse on him and the night grew to an inky black. His vision clouded as he stumbled away. He needed to be alone. Why didn’t she understand that? Why did she care about a murderer?

He knew where to go and eventually he found himself curled up on the building it had happened. He needed to calm down. He stayed there for hours until finally, someone pulled him into a hug. Who was there? His crying got worse despite the comfort of the embrace. Why would someone hug him? He didn’t deserve it. 

He was a monster.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everybody! I wasn't planning on doing a double update today but Oo4ku commented on the last chapter and inspired me to write another one. So here it is. I apologize if the pov is a little weird. I haven't been able to quite connect to Seojun's personality yet but we are getting there. Hopefully, you guys enjoy this chapter! Thank you again to Oo4ku for the kind words and motivation!

One month. That was when the change occurred. Suho had given up on Jugyeong. He seemed different after that night in the gym. He couldn’t tell what was off. The only true changes he noticed were him sitting out of the gym and that one confrontation. They had both ended up in the principal's office. Suho had run into him like an idiot but he hadn’t done anything else. Sure he told him to watch out but that was normal and never seemed to set Suho off before. 

He had walked over to Jugyeongs table to sit down. Before he even got a bite of food he was lifted out of the chair. Confronted with eyes filled with rage. Unlike normal fiery anger, it seemed cold. It seemed wrong. So he punched him. If anyone asked him if he regretted it the obvious answer would be no. He deserved it. Suho started it. Yet Suho covered for him in the office and walked away after. Not a word exchanged. 

It almost hurt. They always had a word to exchange between them. It was a ritual. Maybe he was still recovering from whatever had happened in the gym. At least he wasn’t trying to challenge him anymore. It was a good thing. He finally admitted his place. At least that’s what he told himself. 

He was angry with himself because he seemed to pay more and more attention to what Suho was doing. He didn’t deserve his attention. And yet Seojun started noticing different things about Suho’s behavior. The bags under his eyes. The way he isolated himself from others. The tension never seemed to leave his body. Maybe he finally realized he didn’t deserve to be happy. It was a good thing. He was finally paying for what he did. 

Then one-afternoon Jugyeong came crying to him. He hated seeing her cry. Whoever hurt her would pay. Trying to tone his voice down so no anger bled through he asked,” What’s wrong?” That was the wrong question to ask because it only made her cry harder. He held her in his arms as she sobbed and his heart had pangs within it. He stayed until finally, she seemed to calm down. 

“What happened Jugyeong?” He used the voice-only reserved for his family. Slowly she told him what happened. She had asked Suho a simple question and he just blew up. “He said he never wanted to talk to me again. I thought we were friends. How could I be so stupid? Why would he want to be friends with me?” Rage rushed through his being at that moment. Apparently, killing one person wasn’t enough for Suho. Now he had to hurt everyone else around him. 

Once Seojun heard that Suho had signed up for the basketball tournament he knew he had to join as well. If only to pound him into the ground and remind him of his place. He deserved every ounce of pain he could get. So he practiced every day. Suho was good at basketball. He had been the captain last year. He needed every bit of help he could get to beat him. 

So the day of the match came. Each team they faced was crushed. Seojun had tunnel vision on the final match. God help anyone who tried to take his place in that match. Not an ounce of exhaustion was in him. Adrenaline coursed through his veins at the thought of beating Suho. The thought of his dark brown eyes filling with disappointment from his defeat. The reminder to come of how he murdered his best friend and Seojun would never let him get away with it. 

As he waited for the final match he laughed at his friends in their outfits. When he had first glanced over Seojun had mistaken them for girls. Ugly girls but still girls nonetheless. Why they had all decided to dress as cheerleaders mystified him. He was sure others would be surprised that they were willing to dress like girls. Most of the time people assumed they were against crossdressing but they were actually very open. In fact, he had a sneaking suspicion that Taehoon was gay. 

As his team started warming up he glanced at the other team. Suho didn’t seem to be on the court. His mistake for not taking the chance to warm up against him. The cheers from girls only spurred his ego more. The smirk on his face wasn’t going away anytime soon that was for sure. With one minute left Suho finally walked onto the court. He seemed to slightly smile at one of his teammates. A small bit of displeasure squirmed in his stomach. That smile would be gone soon. 

Walking up to the half-court line for the opening tip he crouched down. The slight smile in Suho’s eyes perplexed him. He hadn’t seen a smile from him in a while. It was slightly odd but he needed to get his head in the game. As the ref threw the ball up Seojun jumped slightly too late and Suho’s team gained possession over the ball. As Seojun guarded against Suho he seemed to hesitate and ended up passing the ball to a teammate. Unfortunately for their team not one of them was open for a shot. So there the ball was again in Suho’s possession. Unexpectedly Suho went around for a lay-up. It was odd. Back when they played basketball together he only took two-pointers. The thought faded to the back of his mind as he ran down the court. Shooting a quick two-pointer their team pulled ahead. Celebrating a little he did a small dance before shooting down the court. Back and forth they played with each team only a couple of points behind. Seojun consistently made two-pointers and Suho made layups. As Seojun went to make a shot he looked at Suho. Truly looked at him. His face was pale and his eyes slightly bloodshot. Crack lips most likely from dehydration and dark circles under his eyes. He looked terrible. Distracted from these details he took the shot. He was blocked. Staring at the back of Suho he noticed the shake in his legs. The slight loss of control from each bounce of the ball. What was wrong with him? He couldn’t get back into the game. Shot after shot was missed. Frustration built inside of him as he grew slower. Finally, he couldn’t keep up with Suho. Unable to guard as he set up for a three-point shot. His eyes tracked the ball into the basket. That was it, the game was over. 

He looked at Suho. He was bent over panting. And then he left. Without celebration. He just left.  
Seojun’s friends approached him slowly. “ That was pure luck on his part. I mean he only took layups. What a wimp.” Letting out a grunt he headed to the locker room to change. What was wrong with Suho?

Walking around with his friends he heard them talk but wasn’t quite sure what his replies were. His mind just flashed back to Suho. It wasn’t like him. He couldn’t have changed that much in just a year right? Those eyes seemed too empty nowadays. Maybe he was faking it? Yeah, that was what was happening. Shaking it off he allowed himself to joke around with his friends again. Running away laughing as the group ran after him. He never wanted things to change.

Finally, he was able to make his way over to the concert. It wasn’t his fault his friends had chased him. Shaking his head with a smile. They were idiots at times but they were his idiots. Checking his phone he almost swore. Jugyeong was probably waiting for him. Sure they weren’t dating but Seojun was sure after a while he’d be able to win her over. If he really wanted to he would’ve asked already but something held him back. Soon he promised himself. 

As he walked into the entrance he paused. Jugyeong was standing next to someone with concern painted across her features. Looking closer he realized it was Suho bent down. Suho seemed to look at her and decided to stumble away. Good, he shouldn’t hurt Jugyeong again. Yet he only got a few steps away before bracing himself on a wall. Jugyeong approached him without hesitation. “Go.” It sounded pitiful almost. Was he trying to win Jugyeong over with such petty tricks? “Go away!” Now he sounded angry but even more so the hint of panic in his voice caused Seojun to knit his brow. Jugyeong also seemed shocked by the response as she watched Suho stumble away. After a few seconds, she seemed to follow him. 

Seojun went to stand where they had been. Glancing over at the auditorium he heard the song playing for the first time. It was Seyeon’s song. Closing his eyes to listen he felt his throat choke up. He missed him. It hurt so much. He wanted to cry but he had no tears left. So he just stood and let the song bring him back to a better time. Seyeon was still alive and Suho was by his side. Everything was so peaceful he never wanted to return to reality. 

Everything was the shadow of perfection at that moment and he never wanted to let it go.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, y'all! Today's chapter is dedicated to markietanner. They have been with this story since the start and I appreciate the comments, kudo, and bookmark. It makes it so much easier to write having a consistent group reading and enjoying the chapters. I just wanted to specify that Suho's pills aren't working. Often it takes a few tries to get the right anti-depressants but obviously, this doctor doesn't care all that much. Suho has only been getting harmful things from these pills and if anything has made the situation worse. Hope you all enjoy the chapter, have a great night!

The anger had been building up over the week. Seojun just didn’t understand why Suho had to ruin the perfect world they had lived in. Hadn’t he loved them? Suho had been his best friend and now they were nothing. A fractured group of friends. They had promised to stay friends forever. The past couple of nights had been spent reflecting on the year before. With each memory came another wave of pain. In the end, he had to live through that night. Over and over it replayed in his mind. 

The mob of reporters. The vulnerability in Seyeons eyes as he ran away declaring that Suho would understand. He would help him. Except he didn’t. The backstabber had led Seyeon to his death. He lived through that funeral in his dreams. Revisited the agony he went through. The dreams had only gotten worse. 

Now every time he saw Suho at school he wanted to scream. He wanted to fight. They never really had. He wanted the closer that would come from finally releasing everything. Getting answers. Dragging Suho to the ground and punching until he admitted what had happened that night. Seojun had never been told exactly what had transpired. Why hadn’t he helped him? 

~

The day after the concert was filled with a throbbing in his stomach. How had Jugyeong found him? Did she remember the night on the rooftop? He had told her not to commit suicide, that it would hurt the people around her more than she knew. Why did that advice sound empty to him now? Jugyeong would have been missed. Her friends loved her, everyone at school knew who she was, somehow she even got Seojun to adore her. 

Maybe it was because he knew no one would miss him. He had searched his memory for someone worth staying for. No one came up. No one had even noticed his world crashing around him. His father had returned to work after a while and was hardly around. Suho had no friends. Not anymore at least. Walking into the bathroom he just stared at himself in the mirror. 

Everything was still. It was 3 a.m. He had been watching the clock ever since he tried to sleep. The melatonin had stopped working, maybe he developed a tolerance for it. Propping his hands on the counter he stared down. The tears welled up before he could stop them. Why was he crying? This wasn’t a big deal. He just wanted to sleep again. 

After the first tear dropped he steeled himself. He was so weak. Somehow he got the tears to help but felt even worse than before. Taking a deep breath he tried to convince himself to get ready. He needed to go to school. The longer he stood there the less he wanted to start the day. He would just do it later. He had plenty of time. Coming to that conclusion he dragged himself back to bed to stare at the ceiling. Slowly he created a world in his mind to draw into. 

As his alarm went off he slammed his hand against the wall. He couldn’t help himself. He found the only way to deal with the anger was to lash out. So he did. The bruises he caused on his legs from hitting them never seemed to fade. Each time one disappeared another was put in its place. Of course, he couldn’t do this in public. Someone would think he was insane. He almost chuckled at the thought. Who was he kidding? Even Suho thought he was crazy, he still didn’t want others to know. So he bit his tongue. A few times blood had been drawn. It wasn’t as effective but it stopped him from doing anything stupid. 

Shaking the pain off of his hand he tried to sit up but his brain wouldn’t cooperate. He would just skip breakfast. It would be fine, he doesn’t normally eat it anyway. Curling up in his blankets he waited for a few minutes urging the clock to stop moving. Willing time to stop so he could wallow in peace. But the clock didn’t stop and he had to get up. His body wasn’t moving as fast as he willed it to. At this rate, he would be late to class. Putting on the uniform and packing his bag he walked out the door. No one wished him a good day or told him they loved him. No one cared enough about him for that. It was okay though he understood everyone had something going on in their life. It wasn’t fair for him to try and take up their time. 

Trudging to school his gaze wandered. The street lights were calming. He just wanted to sit under them forever even as the cold nipped him. Maybe he should bring gloves tomorrow. At least then his fingers wouldn’t freeze up. They felt so stiff as he shoved them into his pockets. They’d probably be defrosted by the time he got to school. Slowly the sun rose and with it, the temperatures increased. Shuffling into the school dates he started up the hill. Maybe he had gotten lazy but the walk had winded him. 

At the top of the hill, he heard the sound of an engine. A motorcycle came whizzing past he didn’t even flinch. The thought of it hitting him was almost funny. People who had never talked to him before would act worried but once he was gone they would forget. They didn’t have the time in their day to care about him. How many people had he forgotten to care about? Probably too many to count. Their faces couldn’t come to mind as he thought of the kids who had been hurt over the years. Only SeYeon and his mom’s image formed in his mind. 

Slowly he walked past the motorcyclist. He didn’t care who it was. He just wanted to get inside. Just before he reached the door someone bumped into him. Pausing to let them past he waited but they didn’t move. Turning to glance back he was met with Seojun. It didn’t quite surprise him. At least now he knew it hadn’t been an accident. Seojun wouldn’t have touched him if it hadn’t been to start a fight. 

Even with the irritation from his actions, Suho didn’t want to fight. He didn’t have the energy and to be perfectly honest it only hurt more after the tussle. Seeing as Seojun seemed to expect an outburst he decided to keep moving. He would probably be too shocked to stop him. With a small sigh, he turned to head back in. No-one stopped him so he assumed Seojun was in a stupor. As long as he didn’t bother him it didn’t matter. 

As he made his way upstairs a small wave of nausea hit him. He probably should’ve at least grabbed some crackers to eat this morning. Apparently not eating caused a little bit of weakness and other side effects. Sure it sucked but he could deal with it. Eating was harder to manage after all. He could be starving and still reason that he didn’t need to eat. 

The rest of the day passed quickly. Or at least Suho didn’t remember what had happened throughout it. The clock had ticked by so slowly that he started to daydream. Plots had flashed through his mind throughout the day. It wasn’t like he needed to pay attention. It was a review week for another test. Even if he failed it wasn’t that big of a deal. Sure it was the only thing he was good at and was expected to always get top scores. The weight of it settled on his shoulders. The pressure was overwhelming but other than thinking about it he didn’t do anything. He didn’t want to study for a test only to have another one. It was a never-ending cycle. He was exhausted. 

Staring out the window the bell finally rang. He could finally go home. Maybe if he was ambitious enough he would take a shower. The thought didn’t seem as relaxing as it should be but he was sure it would help. It was also time for his dose of pills. Even if they didn’t seem to help they had to be making some difference. After all, the doctor knew best. 

As he tried to leave he was stopped by a hand. Why did they feel the need to bother him? “What?” The tone of voice was dull even to him. Maybe they would back off after hearing that. The hand tightened and then started dragging him away. Just his luck. The second encounter of the day with Seojun. Why couldn’t he just let him go? Every single time they met he just wanted to argue. He didn’t even try to struggle as he was dragged out of the school gates into the street. 

Before he could get his bearings he was flying to the ground. Hit after hit was landed on him as he tried to block them. What was wrong with him? “Why did you kill him?” The loathing in his voice was obvious. To think after one year their friendship had crumbled. “What did you do to him?” Question after question came. He left each unanswered. It hurt of course. Each word stabbed at his heart but he had heard these all before. He even once tried to explain himself. Seojun had brushed it off at that time, he wouldn’t listen this time either. 

Slowly the assault stopped. Seojun just sat there for a second straddling his waist. The alley was filled with their pants. Letting his arms fall to the ground he just stared up. The unguarded expression on Seojun’s face was surprising to see. It had been so long since he saw anything but anger up close. He didn’t want to see these emotions though. He would rather see the fury burn in his eyes than the sorrow crossing his face. He had caused this. 

Seojun slowly got up and finally brought his eyes to Suho’s. So many questions seemed to linger there. He waited for the words about to be spoken. “You know you were my best friend. Now I can hardly look at you without disgust. It would’ve been better if we had never met. Seyeon and I would’ve been happy without you.” With a look of disappointment in his eyes, Seojun turned away. 

It hurt to hear. The pain tore through him. They say some things are hard to hear is because they're true. This was an instance that perfectly fit that explanation. He often had wondered if he caused the pain everyone experienced. He had hurt everyone around him and once they left he only had himself to hurt. 

His muscles screamed at him as he got up. He just wanted to lay down in that dingy alleyway forever. Maybe the torture he was going through would fade. Slowly he limped his way home. His mind was replaying Seojun’s words over and over again. They wouldn’t leave and more flooded in. Monster. Murderer. A waste of space. Some had been words that weren’t technically spoken but he knew they thought it.

Making his way to the door he stood in an empty house. It was so cold. He just wanted someone to love him. He didn’t deserve that though and he never would. Approaching the counter he reached for his pill bottle. He just wanted to rest. Was that so wrong?


	9. Chapter 9

Grasping the pill bottle he opened the lid. One pill every day. Supposedly he was supposed to take them in the morning but then he felt sick all day. He hated swallowing the pills. It made him sick but every time he said something he was brushed aside. It was all in his head. His brain was the problem. He was the problem

No one ever directly told him but he knew what they thought. Everyone around him suffered but once they distanced themselves everything turned out fine. It didn’t take a genius to see what caused it. He couldn’t be who they needed. It was just too much. He wasn’t strong enough to handle it all. Eventually, he knew the world would crumble around him and no one would be around because who wanted to stick with the screwup? He didn’t want to be alone. It scared him more than anything. He wouldn’t let them get the chance. 

He knew what he had to do. It would be a lie to say he hadn’t considered it before but he had always thought it was too selfish. A coward's way out. He had been a coward his whole life, at least this time it wouldn’t hurt anyone. He wouldn’t have to be alone ever again. It seemed a peaceful thought. He wasn’t scared of it. It would be eternal rest without the nightmares. No one would yell at him and he never had to cry again. There would no longer be any pain. So yes maybe it was selfish but it was okay. 

Decisively he poured the pills out into his hand. It would suck to swallow them but they would give him time to relax. Just to be safe he made sure he had all the pills. Hopefully, his prescription was strong enough. He had learned a lot about overdosing through reading and he knew if the prescription wasn’t strong enough it would fail. The risk was worth it, however. If he succeeded maybe he’d talk with those he lost. Laugh with Seyeon and finally apologize. Hug his mom and listen to her stories. 

One by one he slipped the pills into his mouth to swallow. The process was slow as there must’ve been 20 pills. He could only swallow one at a time. His throat rejected them at first but he relaxed enough to force them down. The taste left him scrunching his nose. Maybe he should’ve eaten something first but he wouldn’t be sick for long. Glancing at the clock he thought of what to do. It normally took an hour or two to overdose. Ideas flashed through his find before it settled on one. He could finally explain and perhaps Seojun would listen. He couldn’t do it right away. Just in case. It was stupid to think that Seojun would care but just in case he had to hold off until it was too late. 

Walking over to a window he opened the curtains to peer out. Settling down he just watched the stars. It was all so quiet. So still and stunning. It was the most relaxed he had been in forever. With eyes welling with tears and lips raised slightly at the tips he stayed there. Breathing in and out. Was this how Seyeon had felt? Suho hoped so. It was a blissful feeling and if anyone deserved it Seyeon had. It had started raining and Suho could almost feel it on his skin. Slowly he pressed his hand against the window. He noted his fingers had turned slightly blue. One of the symptoms of an overdose. Pulling his phone out he knew it was time. 

Dialing a number he had put in a thousand times he waited. Half of him prayed no one would answer and the other half wanted to talk to him one last time. At the last ring, a voice let him know it was ready for the message. Taking a shaky breath he collected his thoughts. “ Hey, Seojun. I know you probably don’t want to talk to me and that’s okay. I just hope you’ll listen.” His hands trembled as he held the phone to his ear. His bones felt a chill settle within him. Another sign. 

“Thank you so much for all the memories you gave me. You and Seyeon were my best friends. I know I never deserved you so thanks for giving me a change.” Memories flashed by of songs late at night. Eating ramen and telling jokes. Fooling around in school. Staying up as the others were asleep thinking how lucky he was. The smiles they had shared. “ It was all my fault. I was being stupid and didn’t pick up the phone. If I had answered the call everything would be fine.” His voice was breaking but he had so many things left to say. His vision was slightly clouded and it was getting harder to speak. He was struggling to get air to enter his lungs. 

“ I don’t think I have much time left. I miss you so much. I hope you know that. You were right along though. I shouldn’t have met you or Seyeon. I can’t go back and change the past but I’m righting my wrongs. I’ll never hurt anyone again.” He wouldn’t have the chance to. He knew he had to wrap this up. “ I hope you live well. I’ll be rooting for you. I wish I could be there to see what happens but I can’t. I’m going to meet Seyeon and my mom.” He coughed a little bit. It felt like he was going to choke. He knew he should be panicking but this is what he wanted. 

“I’m going to miss your glares. Goodbye Seojun, I love you.” With that, he brought his hand down and hung up. Leaning back onto the couch he continued to stare out the window. A mix of tears and laughter bubbled up. He couldn’t help smiling as he remembered everything. He recalled all his happiest moments. He almost startled when a hand settled over his until he turned and saw Seyeon sitting beside him. 

Even if he knew it was most likely a hallucination he felt comforted. At least he wouldn’t be alone now. Seyeon laid his head on his shoulder. It was like he had never left. 

~

Seojun had decided not to pick up the call. He didn’t want to talk to Suho. He didn’t want to hear his voice ever again. Why couldn’t he just disappear? Whatever Suho was going to say didn’t matter. And then he heard the voicemail. At first, he wanted to turn it off but something stopped him. Maybe it was the way Suho was speaking. His words almost slurred together.  
Was he drunk? 

The longer he listened the more confused he got. Why was he thanking him? They weren’t friends. They hadn’t been friends for a while. What did he mean he never saw Seyeon. He must have. Seyeon had gone to find him. Why didn’t he have time left? What was going on? He hated not knowing what was happening. Then he heard it. He was going to meet Seyeon. What was that supposed to mean?

It only took a few seconds for it to click. He was up and running. Others on the street gave him weird looks but he didn’t care. He had to get to Suho’s house. If Suho wasn’t there… He didn’t want to think about that. The adrenaline coursing through him pumped his legs faster. He couldn’t slow down. His mind flashed to last year. The pain once he knew for sure his best friend was gone. He couldn’t go through that again. 

Arriving at Suho's house he ran to the door. He pounded on it so hard it must've bruised his hand. “Suho!” He didn’t care that it was late. Suho had to be in there. “Suho open the door!” Desperation was seeping into his voice. He had a key. Suho had a spare key out here. Where was it? Fumbling around he finally found it. He never had to use it before. The first attempt to fit it in the door failed. He had never been good at putting the right side down. Quickly flipping the key he twisted the doorknob and went inside the house. Scanning around the room he saw a pill bottle on the counter. Had he overdosed? Was that his grand plan? 

Hurrying around he finally found Suho sitting in front of one of the windows. The moonlight shone on him and he looked like a vampire. His lips were blue and his body was far too relaxed for someone dying. It was almost peaceful. “Suho!” There was little reaction to that besides a head turn. “Oh, Seojun. Come join Seyeon and me.” He sounded happy to see him. Slipping his phone out of his pocket he quickly dialed an ambulance. 

“1339 what is your emergency?” The operator sounded too calm for him. It filled him with anger. “My friend just overdosed in his apartment.” He sat down next to Suho at that moment. His eyes were slowly closing. “What is his address?” She still sounded calm. Almost relaxed. Did she think this was a joke? With each question asked he grew more irritated. After the questions were done the operator hung out telling him an ambulance was on the way. 

“Isn’t it beautiful?” The words were slurred and shaky. It ripped his heart to hear Suho’s voice. “I know you aren’t actually here. Seojun would never come for me. But it’s still nice. The three of us together again.” Tears were brought to Seojun’s eyes. Suho sounded so peaceful. He had a smile on his face and his skin almost sparkled from the moonlight. His eyes were shut at this point. 

“Suho I need you to stay awake for me.” He knew he couldn’t let Suho fall asleep. It was a feeling in his stomach that Suho wasn’t ever going to open his eyes again. “Do you love me Seojun?” How was he supposed to react to that? It caught him off guard and with the pause he couldn’t bring himself to say anything. “It’s okay. I wasn’t expecting a reply. I love you though.” The words seemed to grant Suho permission to rest. He relaxed against his shoulder and Seojun felt his breathing stop. 

“No no, stay with me Suho! Fight please fight this for me.” He was shouting at this point. Tears streamed down his face as he moved Suho to the ground. CPR. He needed to do CPR. He couldn’t lose another person. He just couldn’t. Just as he was about to start compressions, hands wrapped around his shoulders and dragged him away from Suho.  
The rest was a blur. He remembered being brought to the hospital in the ambulance holding Suho’s hand. The staff rushed him into the clinic. He watched as Suho was wheeled away with shouts from nurses. He couldn’t lose his best friend. Every word he had said to him came crashing down on him. Had he caused this? He had told him so many times to disappear. To die.  
Now here he was. Sitting in a hospital chair with tears streaming down his face. Praying to a God he didn’t even believe in to save him. 

He couldn’t live without him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the short break. Yesterday was a tough day for me and this book already makes me too sad to write a chapter on top of that. I am back today however so yay! Thank you all for the amazing comments left on this book I love reading them and they inspire me so much. A few notes, I did some research on Overdosing so most of the information here should be accurate. Yes, it took a little bit for Seojun to reach Suho's house I just didn't want to add in how long. 2nd 1339 is the Korean medical emergency number. Lastly, all of these events are based on personal experience and what I know of the subject so I apologize if it differs from some people's experience. 
> 
> If any of you are dealing with suicidal thoughts or depressive episodes please find someone to talk to. Whether it's a friend, a suicide/mental health hotline, or leaving a comment to me it is unhealthy to bottle up emotions. I hope you all stay safe and happy. Enjoy today's chapter!


	10. Valentines Extra

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This has nothing to do with the plot. I just thought I would give a little bit of fluff. It's Suho's and Seojun's first Valentine's day together!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't quite sure how to write this as it's hard for me to do romantic stuff but hopefully, this gave you guys a bit of fluff. Yes, they are both idiots in love but I thought it would be cute to show. I will certainly do more research into their characters (watching the show and reading the webtoon again) for a better portrayal of the character's romantic style in the future. I might be releasing a normal chapter later on in the day. Love you guys and hope you have an amazing Valentine's day!

Seojun opens his eyes. None of the normal reluctance to get out of bed hits him. He’s been looking forward to this day for months. Sure he wasn’t the most romantic but he was hoping the idea he had for today would satisfy Suho. They had been dating for a year and while every day wasn’t perfect it was still dreamlike. 

The entire time getting ready was full of a giddy smile. No matter how hard he tried he couldn’t wipe it off his face. His stomach was tight with happiness. It was going to be their first Valentine’s day together. He put extra effort into his hair that morning and made sure to wash his face. He had even cleaned his school uniform yesterday even though he hated laundry. It was going to be a spectacular day. 

He grabbed a banana to eat and sat down at the table. He just wanted to go to school already. To see Suho. Quickly finishing the banana he stood up as his sister came out of her room. It had been amazing to see the growth in confidence that resulted from Jugyeong. She would always have his gratitude for helping his sister see how amazing she was. “I’m leaving now! Love you.” It had been a ritual to always tell his family he loved them after his mom got sick. It just felt right. If something were to ever happen he didn’t want to regret not letting them know how much he loved them. 

His sister let out a grumbled reply probably still tired. With a slight chuckle, he shut the door behind him, practically skipping down the steps. Grabbing his keys he hopped onto his motorcycle and drove off. Before he could go to school he had to head to a flower shop. He had to place a special order to make sure he got the exact flowers he wanted. As he walked into the shop he was greeted by the store owner. With a light reply, he was brought over to the flowers he picked out. 

“Do you know the meaning of these three flowers?” Of course, he did. He had put a lot of research into this. Well, maybe not a lot but enough that he knew what the flowers meant. With a smile and a nod, the shopkeeper let out a smile. “Your girlfriend is very lucky. Not many gentlemen put thought into the flowers like you do.” He wasn’t offended that the shopkeeper had assumed he had a girlfriend. Seojun was well aware not many couples were gay in South Korea. “Actually I would say I’m lucky to have a boyfriend as great as him.” And he truly meant that. How Suho had ever forgiven him for all the things he said astounded him. After paying he left the shop and placed the flowers in a container he had brought. Finally, he could go to school.  
~  
Driving up the road to school he passed Suho who turned with a shake of his head. He had always disapproved of how recklessly he drove but Seojun couldn’t help himself. What was the point of riding a motorcycle if you didn’t show it off? Parking he hurriedly brought the flowers out. Three different colors of carnations all with a different meaning. Quickly he ran over the words he would say and as Suho approached his smile widened. 

Before Suho could get a word out he handed him the first flower, a red carnation. “There is so much I admire about you. Whether it's your smile or your understanding. Every time I see you I marvel at how amazing you are.” Suho was red already and glanced around. He had a small smile on his face and it encouraged Seojun to keep going. He handed the second flower this time a white carnation. “While I can’t say my love has always been pure, I can assure you that there is nothing you can do that will make it go away.” He had spent a lot of time feeling guilty about his actions toward Suho. It had caused a few major fights in their relationship but after time he had realized he couldn’t change the past. In the present however he could repent for all his mistakes. For the last flower, he gave Suho a pink carnation. “No matter what happens in the future I will never forget how you have made me feel. You are my first love and hopefully, my last love, and I never want to let go of the memories we have made.” Seojun wasn’t a fool. He knew feelings of love could fade and while he hoped that never happened to them all he could do was try his best to love him at the moment. 

“ I love you Suho.” At this point, a crowd had gathered around them. Throughout the school year, it had been hard to reveal their relationship. Not everyone was accepting and they had been through a lot of pain. Sometimes it was still hard to let their relationship be seen. However, Seojun didn’t want to hide it. He wanted to be able to kiss freely and whisper sweet words without getting glares. He had beaten a few kids up for saying the wrong thing and he would do it again. Over and over until they stopped voicing their opinions. He didn’t need them. 

Suho laughed a little bit. “You’re an idiot. I never knew you could be so cheesy.” Another glance at the crowd caused Seojun to panic. Was he too embarrassed with others around? Maybe he should’ve done this in private. He never meant to make Suho uncomfortable. He just couldn’t wait to deliver them. The smile on his face faded a little bit until Suho took a step forward. 

“I love you too you idiot.” With those words, Suho grabbed his neck and pulled him into a light kiss. Every single time they kissed a feeling rose in his stomach. It made him want to squeal and smile. He felt like a child whenever it happened but it also made him feel as if he was on top of the world. “Let’s get to class, we will have plenty of time for this on our date.” Lacing their fingers together they walked up the stairs. Today was going to be perfect.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently, I lied. This chapter was too hard to leave half-finished so alas I have finished it despite missing out on some sleep. I had a lot of chapter notes but I kind of forgot all of them. Just a general thing is that it will not be smooth sailing from here on out. Suho doesn't know how to cope or feel vulnerable. He has developed a severe attachment to Seojun and will constantly seek his approval which will be hard to see. Second Seojun asked a friend to bring his motorcycle in case you were wondering. Besides that, I would like to dedicate this chapter to Rikaraholic! I loved reading your comments and they brought a smile to my face. You are one of the reasons I completed the chapter ahead of schedule. Thank you for the support and I hope you enjoy the chapter.

Suho sat in bed waiting for Seojun to come back. He felt like a child waiting for their mother. His body was tense in anticipation. Maybe Seojun wouldn’t come back. Maybe he had seen the panic attack and decided to abandon him. What if this was all a figment of his imagination? Holding back tears he stared at his hands. They still slightly shook from the panic of earlier. Why was he always so wrong? There wasn’t a minute of his life that wasn’t full of problems. It was suffocating to deal with them and even harder to pretend they weren’t there. 

As the door finally opened Suho perked up slightly. Why? He didn’t even know. Why was he feeling so attached to Seojun? He would only get hurt in the end. He deflated at the sight of the doctor. He didn’t want to answer the questions again. The last time he had been in the hospital was terrible. This time didn’t seem to pan out differently. First, the doctor pretended to be polite and uninterested in his suicide. Then he started asking questions about his feelings. Before Suho knew it his whole life story was probably written in the notebook the doctor had brought in. 

“Okay, now that we are done with that we will be doing some tests. Generally, when you overdose it causes your brain to essentially forget how to breathe. This can cause two main types of brain injuries from a lack of oxygen. You are at pretty low risk but we want to be sure as they can have severe consequences.” It was obvious the doctor was simplifying everything but Suho didn’t mind. He didn’t want to think about complex words and roundabout medical terms. They went through multiple tests. One was tracking the doctor's fingers with his eyes. The other was touching opposite fingers together. It went faster than expected. 

“You don’t seem to be lacking any motor or sensory functions. Your reflexes and coordination also seem okay. Unless you experience recurring headaches, major mood swings, or trouble in memory I see no need for an MRI or CT scan.” Suho wouldn’t be coming back here even if those symptoms occurred. Still, he nodded his head as that was what the doctor wanted to hear. 

“I have cleared you to go home. I believe it would suit you more to be surrounded by friends and family than in the mental health ward. I warn you however that if your caregiver notices any repeats of suicidal behavior you will be brought to the psych ward.” The thought of it made him shiver. It was almost taboo to mention psych wards. His mind created various scenarios of being stuck with psychopaths. 

“You will be required to attend therapy every week. We will also be prescribing different antidepressants. Your previous medication didn’t seem to work and this one might not either. It may take a while to get the prescription right and until then we will have regular checkups. Your caregiver will also be asked questions on your behavior.” Was that his father? Why couldn’t they just say his name? “I will be back in a minute with your prescription and release forms. You can either discharge immediately or stay for a few more days, whichever you are more comfortable with.” The doctor retreated out of the room and left his head spinning. 

After a minute the door slid open to reveal Seojun. Internally Suho released a breath. He didn’t leave, relief swept through him. Slowly Seojun sat down. The silence felt thick around them. Seojun looked down slightly and when his eyes were raised, light shimmered on the water that had gathered in them. He wanted to hug him and tell him everything was all right. Although his hand twitched at the thought he knew Seojun wouldn’t want to be touched by him. 

“I’m sorry.” The wet voice cut through the silence. It left Suho in shock. He was apologizing? “You never deserved what I did to you. Even if I hadn’t learned the truth of that night I had no right to treat you like that. It’s all my fault that you ended up like this.” A tear slid down his face and Suho just wanted to make it all better. 

“It’s okay. I don’t deserve this apology. You had every right to do what you did. None of this is your fault. It’s all mine. You don’t have to feel guilty.” He had to convince him. He didn’t want guilt to crush Seojun as it had broken him. He couldn’t lose another person. 

Those words only seemed to make him cry harder. Suho had no idea what to do. How was he supposed to comfort him? Why was he so useless? Those tears caused a pang to go through him. Seojun wasn’t supposed to cry, he was supposed to be happy. Even when he did cry it should never be over him. 

“I hate seeing you so broken. I’ve watched you slowly waste away without even realizing it. You look so sad. I miss your smile. I miss your soft laugh filled with warmth. I wish you were happy again.” Seojun wanted him to be happy? He could do that. He would do it for him. He could put on a smile every day just to see him happy. Without thinking he did what he wanted to from the beginning. Quickly he pulled Seojun into a hug. At first, he thought he would pull away but after a second of shock, Seojun just seemed to relax. 

Everything rose again. The pain and sadness he had endured. His throat tightened and Suho let a single tear trail down his face before he closed his eyes. He breathed in the smell of Seojun’s cheap soap mixed with the faint scent of his hairspray. He let the warmth draw him into relaxing as his hands rested on the soft material of Seojun’s sweater. They stayed there for a while just holding each other. 

As they pulled away Suho made sure to smile, willing it to reach his eyes. It almost hurt to force it but seeing Seojun’s lips raise at the corners helped. Neither of them knew what to say after that so they waited. Sure enough, the doctor entered the room a few moments later. He glanced between them and lightly shook his head. It seemed odd but Suho let it go. As the paperwork was handed to him he filled it out.

“You are to take one of these pills in the morning and the night. If you feel any major side effects make sure to notify us. Your caregiver will be holding onto the bottle for you until we are sure you won’t relapse.” At the mention of the mysterious caregiver, the doctor motioned to his side. Suho’s brow furrowed a bit. He couldn’t mean…? With a glance at Seojun, he shook the thought from himself. Why would Seojun willingly stay with him? 

“You are free to leave wherever you are comfortable. Just make sure to hand the papers to the front desk on your way out.” With that, the doctor walked out and Seojun stood up. He couldn’t help the gloom that settled on his heart that Seojun was leaving. Would everything go back to how it had been? Seojun gave him a look.

“Do you not want to leave yet?” The words left confusion in him. Was he supposed to leave with Seojun? Was he driving him home? Maybe the caregiver would be there already. Seojun seemed to sense his uncertainty in an instant. “I’ll be living with you. I’m your caregiver.” Suho wanted to question it but didn’t want to anger him. Quickly he stood up with the papers. After changing in the bathroom and dropping his paperwork off they left the building. 

Walking over to Seojun’s motorcycle he hesitated before he got on. After being handed a helmet they speed off but not directly to his house. Driving by the pharmacy they picked up the pill bottles. He never wanted to see that bottle again but here he was. Maybe this time it would be better. 

Cautiously he wrapped his arms around Suho’s waist. He had always been timid. As Seojun accelerated his grip got tighter. The wind whipped past them and time flew. Before he could settle they were already at his house. 

The sun was setting as he put in his code. As they walked into the cold house Suho pointedly avoided staring at the areas he had done it. Flicking on a few lights he glanced back at Seojun only to see him waiting by the door. “I need to run to my house and grab some stuff. I don’t know how long I will be staying here so I want to make sure I get everything. I’ll probably be back in an hour or two. Please don’t do anything stupid.” Although disappointment rushed through him at the thought of Seojun leaving he nodded his head. He took notice that Seojun didn’t give him the pills. The door shut and he was left alone. 

Letting his smile fall, exhaustion washed through him. The silence left room for voices to enter Seojun’s head once again. Hesitantly he approached the couch. He could picture Seyeon sitting there again and couldn’t bring himself to sit. He was so happy at that moment. All three of them together, even if one was a hallucination. 

Slowly he passed by it and walked to his bedroom. Laying down on the bed all of his emotions came out. At first, it was one tear but soon enough he couldn’t breathe through them. He let them flood through him. Every emotion was felt and the pain it brought magnified. The gasps filled the room as he thought of everything. Why had he failed? Was the universe against everything he did? It wouldn’t let him live and it wouldn’t let him die. He would forever be stuck in a state of misery. He curled onto his side and grasped his arms. As the tears dried up a pain-filled his head. Whenever he cried really hard it appeared. It was almost a comfort at this point. 

His body was calm after the release of everything that was pent up. Checking the clock he realized Seojun would be back soon. Time had seemed to warp around his breakdown. Getting up he walked to the bathroom and washed his face. Soon the redness would fade giving no indication of what had happened. Staring into a mirror he raised his lips. A smile filled his face as he walked out. He could do this for as long as Seojun was here. 

He needed Seojun.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everybody! I hope you have all been well. I don't think I have any chapter notes for this. If you have any questions let me know in the comments. This has a bit of angsty fluff! I really enjoyed writing this. I fully support the doctor this time around. Even if I wrote it I'm glad he ships Suho and Seojun as well. Today's chapter is dedicated to Tiri and El I appreciate the interaction with this book and love seeing your comments! Have a great day everyone and hopefully you enjoy the chapter.

He wasn’t sure when he had woken up but here he was laying down with his eyes closed. He didn’t want to go to school today. He didn’t want to do anything. If it was possible he would continue to slumber but it wasn’t. So he stayed in bed trying to mimic sleep. Maybe if he pretended long enough he’d manage to rest again. Everything hurt. Emotionally he felt drained even though he hadn’t done anything yet. Physically his body ached. He had a pounding headache. It must be from the pills' influence. 

It took a few minutes before he recognized the atmosphere around him was different than in his room. The bed wasn’t as comfortable and his clothes slightly itched. The weight of his blanket felt suffocating and the light in the room didn’t seem to be from a window. Lastly, he noticed pressure to the side of him. Almost as if someone was laying there. He opened his eyes despite the pain coming from the lights, only to be greeted with white. His room had muted dark colors. Turning his head to the left he found a machine. Was he in the hospital?

Turning over to look at the right side he was shocked to see someone sleeping on his bed. Even more puzzling was the fact that it was Seojun. What was happening? Why was Seojun here? He lay staring at him. Studying the peaceful position he took notice of his hair. It looked soft but slightly tangled as if Seojun had just finished a fight. It was a look Suho had seen many times due to how often they would wrestle. Typically Seyeon wouldn’t join in and would laugh at the inevitable defeat one would face. The thought of it made him smile. His eyes next wandered to Seojun’s earring. He had changed the number of piercings and types of earrings he wore after Seyeons passing. They made him look tougher and Suho had to admit helped give off the handsome aura to anyone around. It definitely fit him. 

Suho’s slight movement must have caused Seojun to wake up as his head started turning. Suho quickly closed his eyes. He couldn’t handle being confronted with Seojun at the moment. His emotions were far too volatile to be able to handle the beration that would follow. Unfortunately, fate seemed to screw him over as he felt Seojun’s gaze on him.

“I know you’re awake.” The tone was soft and slightly tense. When was the last time he heard this voice being used with him? Holding back a small sigh he slowly slid his eyes open. He was stunned as he was met with light hazel eyes. They seemed slightly bloodshot and puffy yet somehow only added to his charm. The most bewildering part was the concern held in those eyes. It didn’t feel like he deserved any of it. How could Seojun hold concern for him? He deserved whatever had happened to him. He had no idea what to say.

So they sat there in silence. Observing each other. Suho waited for harsh truths that never came and Seojun barely managed not to break into tears. For one it was stifling and the other a release from the trepidatious state he had been trapped in. It is fascinating how utterly different two people were in this situation. Perhaps it would have played out differently had Suho remembered what exactly caused him to be there. Finally, Seojun seemed to realize he had forgotten what the doctors told him to do if Suho managed to wake up.

“Suho do you remember what happened?” Fear was coiled in Seojun as he asked the question. It would be a relief if Suho didn’t remember what had happened. The phone call and all the pain he was in. But at the same time, he didn’t think he could bring himself to explain the situation. To relive seeing him laying on that couch looking as if he was already dead. He never wanted to go back to that moment. 

With a slight shake of his head, he indicated that he couldn’t recall anything. He remembered going to school and being tired. He could recall the emotions of hurt and sadness. How much he wanted to just lay down and avoid everyone and everything. But past lunch it was all gone. Maybe it was a good thing. He didn’t need more pain than what he was already in. Sure currently he didn’t feel the overwhelming numbness but it would return soon. It always did. Just take the basketball game as an example 

“I’m going to go get the doctor. He will explain everything to you.” Seojun was hesitant to leave but he knew he had to inform the doctor that Suho was awake. Getting up and sliding the door shut Suho was left alone. He pushed his mind to remember. Seojun seemed a little upset that he couldn’t remember whatever happened. He would try to recall it if it made Seojun happy again. It was his first time interacting this softly all year. He yearned for the care in his eyes. He would do whatever he could to keep it there.

The headache grew worse as he pushed his mind. It was an internal struggle and with every shove, his mind shuttered. Closing his eyes at the pain he was overwhelmed by the feelings. Seojun hated him. Everything came back and it hurt ten times more. Why couldn’t Seojun have left him? He should’ve called later. His plan had failed and he was left with the consequences. Suho wasn’t a fool, he knew he wouldn’t get another chance in the coming days. He would be left with the pain all alone. Tears welled up. Why couldn’t something go right for once in his life? Curling up into a ball he tried to bottle the emotions up. He couldn’t let Seojun see this. If he pretended he was fine the doctor would let him go. 

Trying to calm his breathing only made everything worse. The tears he wiped away crawled up his throat blocking his airway. What was Seojun going to think? What if they put him in a mental hospital? He wasn’t crazy; he didn’t want to be left more alone than before. Why couldn’t he just be normal? His hands went up to his throat. He needed to breathe. Why did these panic attacks keep happening? He was such a wimp. He had to stop it. He dug his nails into his skin. Pain always grounded him. It worked with his anger, why wouldn’t it work now. 

~

Seojun walked back to the room quickly. He had to leave Suho’s side so he could get back quickly. As he slid the door opened he took one look at the bed and noticed Suho’s hands on his cheeks digging his nails in. With slight panic, he hurried to the bed. What was happening? His mind flashed through things until finally, it fell on the night in the gym. Was this what had happened? The doctor had said it was a panic attack. How could he help?

He had no idea what possessed him but the only thought he had was to hold him and so he did. Sliding onto the bed he pulled Suho into his embrace. Slowly he brought Suho’s hand into his own, pinning them down. Red marks were spread across Suho’s face. He noticed the shallow breathing. “Suho I need you to breathe for me.” He wasn’t sure where it came from but the thought seemed right. With soft words and pleas, he tried to get him to calm down. Nothing seemed to work. 

“Do you remember the day at the basketball court?” Although Suho showed no indication of recognizing the moment he continued on. “Seyeon wasn’t able to come but you and I decided to go anyway.” Seyeon had never preferred playing basketball and he was much too busy training to be an idol to do something like that. “I wasn’t able to play with anyone else because they were all stupid idiots.” That part might not be true. Seojun knew sometimes he could come off...cold. But it definitely felt like those boys had purposely sucked at everything. “I almost started fighting with them until you came. You always were able to get along with anyone. In a matter of minutes, you helped the entire team fix the problem.” Suho had always been good at that. When he wanted to he could get anyone to open up. Nowadays he had closed himself off to almost everyone and yet people still couldn’t resist him. “I was so jealous and when I complained that no one ever listened to me do you remember what you said?” He wasn’t expecting an answer to the question but he did hope it would help ground him.

“I’ll always be there as your second command.” The small shaky voice came from the boy in his lap and for a second the image swapped. He imagined the fifteen-year-old boy who had saluted him. Suho wasn’t normally that silly but sometimes he would slip. It had always been cute to see what he did. Seojun smiled at the memory. 

They both stayed silent after that. Seojun released his hands and opted to run his hands through Suho’s hair. He had always felt comforted when his mom did it for him. Hopefully, it would help to further soothe Suho now. It seemed to work as Suho closed his eyes with even breaths. A small sigh of relief left Seojun’s lips. For once Seojun was glad the doctor took so long. Suho didn’t need another person to witness this. He was certain the moment the doctor came in that he would pull away. Right now Suho needed comfort and if he rejected that comfort, Seojun wasn’t sure what would happen. 

After a few moments, Seojun lifted Suho off and back onto the bed. Suho would probably be more comfortable once he was able to go home and in order for that, the doctor needed to assess him. Walking quietly out of the room he walked down the hall to find the doctor. As he finally asked a nurse to page him he waited for the doctor in a lounge. 

“I would have come sooner but I saw you handling the panic attack and thought it best to leave the two of you alone.” Seojun was grateful that the doctor cared enough to do that. He knew most medical professionals had a tight schedule and the fact that the doctor was willing to wait was a blessing. “We haven’t been able to get in contact with Mr. Lee’s father. Is there anyone else that could care for him? He needs someone to live and monitor him if we allow him to go home.” Seojun knew Suho’s relationship with his father was bad but this was infuriating. How could a father not be available after his son attempted suicide?

“I can take care of him.” He had a lot of mistakes to repent for. This was the least he could do. He would have to talk to his sister to let her know he wouldn’t be staying at home. “He’s lucky to have a boyfriend as caring as you.” Seojun’s mind screeched to a halt. Boyfriend?


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I deeply apologize for how long I was gone. I don't know quite how to explain what happened but basically, I had writer's block and just couldn't write this chapter. I decided to just push through it and hope for the best today. That being said the quality might be a little off. Maybe I'll edit this chapter later or maybe I won't. Thank you all for the encouraging comments and I'm sorry I didn't reply to a lot of them. My motivation was just way down. I don't really have any notes but for those that have never experienced depression, I thought I would explain cleaning parts really quick. In my case, depression made it so even when I really wanted to clean and was disgusted by my surroundings I couldn't bring myself to clean them. Clothes would pile up and it felt like cleaning was rocket science. I'm not quite sure how to explain it but that hopefully gave a bit of perspective. I hope you all enjoy today's chapter. Any special thanks or credits will be in the endnotes. Oh, also I'm pretty happy cause this work is now 32 pages long. Originally I thought I would only write about 20 so I'm pretty proud of this :)

Suho listened intently for the door to open. His tears had dried and his eyes were no longer red. He missed Seojun even if he had only been gone for an hour. More specifically one hour and twenty-nine minutes almost thirty. He felt pathetic that he had counted it. Just how clingy was he? Seojun would hate to see how attached he was. He knew it was wrong. He shouldn’t be deriving all his happiness from Seojun but he couldn’t help himself. Seojun was his sun, his world. Even when they were still friends he always looked to Seojun for compliments, feedback, hugs anything he needed really. 

A slight squeak came from behind him and immediately he pasted on a light smile. Nothing too crazy, just a slight raise of his lips to make him look cheerful. Turning around he spotted the bags Seojun was carrying. How he managed to bring those on his motorcycle would forever be a mystery. Jumping up to help him Suho realized he hadn’t set up a room for him. Hopefully, the spare room was in good condition. He hadn’t had anyone over for… well since Seyeon died. Shaking the thought off he grabbed a bag and carried it to the room. It was right across from his but with luck, it wouldn’t make Seojun too uncomfortable. 

After dropping the bags down Suho wasn’t quite sure what to do so he left. It would take Seojun a bit to unpack most likely anyways. He didn’t need Suho hovering around awkwardly. Moving to the kitchen Suho went to open the fridge. The moment the door swung open he gagged. Now that he thought about it he hadn’t thought to check how many days he had been in the hospital. Apparently, it was enough time for some vegetables to start rotting. Suppressing the urge to puke he quickly pulled food out into a trash bag. Fortunately, it wasn’t Seojun who had come across this mess. It looks like he needed to add shopping to his list of chores. 

He didn’t want Seojun to see what a mess his house was. Why hadn’t he cleaned while Seojun had left to pick up his items? He didn’t want Seojun to leave again but at the same time couldn’t let him see the disaster of his house. Before he was in the hospital he had no motivation to do anything. Clothes scattered his bedroom and his bathrooms were a mess. He had barely cleaned the kitchen in ages not that he used it much. When you don’t have the motivation to eat you never really go into the kitchen. Staring around he felt overwhelmed with the amount of work he had. Maybe he’d just sleep and hope it was all gone, just like he had done the month before. He knew it would never get done but it was too hard to will himself to try and clean. 

After quickly throwing the trash out he slowly walked to his bedroom. Seojun would probably be fine without him. Sparing a glance at the door in front of his room he heard music blasting. He smiled at the sound of his best friend's voice. It had been so long since he heard it. Seojun could've taken over the music industry with his good looks and stunning vocals. His smile fell at the thought. It was just another thing Suho had ruined for his friends. Quickly turning he opened his door and went directly to the bed. He would just take a quick nap. He was too tired to deal with all this. 

~  
“Suho.” The voice crawled along his skin. Was Seojun looking for him? His eyelids fluttered open and quickly he sat up praying nothing was wrong. Sliding out of bed he went to open the door making sure to put on a smile and as it drifted open he was shocked at the sight of Seyeon looking as perfect as he had one year ago. 

“Why didn’t you join me? I thought you wanted to see me again. Do you not love me anymore?” Although every word was spoken with a glimmering smile the words cut his heart. He wasn’t sure what to say. How was Seyeong here? Slowly pain seemed to seep into Seyeon’s expression. It was a pain Suho was familiar with and brought a sense of urgency to reassure him. 

“I was trying to. I love you so much I would do anything to be with you again.” The words were spoken with a truthfulness that no one could deny. He would do anything to see Seyeon one more time. He had already done everything in his power to reunite. “ I tried to join you, you know that. You were with me when I took those pills. You remember right?” There was desperation in every syllable. Seyeon had to know he loved him. Right? He never meant for any of this to happen. 

“I remember.” The single sentence brought relief into Suho’s body. At least Seyeon believed him. “I should’ve expected it. You were always so incompetent. Of course, you’d fail even when doing something so simple.`` Seyeon’s face seemed to twist. Blood started to appear on his head and hands. The sound of cracking bones soon followed as Seyeon’s body broke apart. Suho could barely look at him. “ You just had to call Seojun. You never wanted to be with me. You never loved me.” As Seyeon turned out of the room and walked Suho followed. “No, you have to believe me. I really did try. I want to be with you. I love you so much!” 

“Then you’ll do it again. This time you’ll do it right.” Suho looked around to see himself on a roof. Seyeon’s disfigured body stood on the ledge with him. “If you truly love me you will jump.” His dead eyes stared into Suho’s. Everything felt so heavy at that moment. Casting a look to the street below Suho’s stomach churned. He had always been afraid of heights and it had only gotten worse after Seyeon’s suicide. 

Looking at the billboard across the street he saw flashes of Seyeon and him. He watched them growing up. All of his memories seemed to flash across the billboard until finally, it reached that night. A picture of a hand with a bracelet sticking out from a white sheet. Slowly the screen faded to only show one word. Jump. 

Casting a glance at Seyeon he turned his back and fell. The wind seemed to rush by, rippling through his shirt. It was peaceful in a sense even as his stomach dropped. Gazing up he watched as Seyeon leaped. He couldn’t help but smile as their bodies rushed closer. This is how it was meant to be. Closing his eyes he let himself relax. Who knew falling could be so serene?

~  
Suho jolted awake. It wasn’t real. It was just a dream. Disappointment flashed through him. He would only ever see Seyeon in his dreams. Unless of course, he found a way to commit suicide again. It would have to wait until Seojun left, however. He never wanted him to think it was his fault. He wouldn’t do that to someone else. 

A knock at the door startled him. Quickly brushing his hair back he rushed to the door. Trying to block the view of his room with his body he only opened the door a tad bit. Seojun’s brows knit in confusion. “Are you okay?” Why did he suspect something was wrong? Suho had a smile on his face and was pretty sure none of his feelings broke through his mask. Maybe he had made some noise in his sleep? 

“Yeah, I’m fine why do you ask?” If he could figure out what had clued Seojun into his mood he would be able to fix it for next time. Hesitation shone on Seojun’s face. “I was just wondering. Can I come in?” All thoughts of his previous question flew out of his mind. He couldn’t let him in. His room was a disaster. Clothes were everywhere along with garbage. It probably smelled terrible as well. However, he couldn’t bring himself to reject the other boy. 

Slowly he opened the door to let him in. He watched how Seojun’s eyes slid across the room and shame pulled in his stomach. Seojun didn’t comment on anything however and went to sit on his bed. It was odd to see him so comfortable in his room. It had been a year since he was last here. Seojun sat still for a while leaving Suho shifting by the door. What had he wanted? Why couldn’t they talk out in the hall? Why hadn’t he just cleaned his room? Questions whirred across his mind. They buried any rational thought and brought a boiling mess of emotions. He was so lazy he couldn’t keep his room from turning into a pigsty. If he could just get Seojun out of his room he would clean it all later. 

The sound of movement jerked Suho out of his thoughts. Looking up he saw Seojun pick up some clothes. His brows knit together trying to figure out what was happening. Slowly but surely a little mount of items formed in the middle of the room. Seojun looked up. “Would you like to help?” Was he cleaning his room? Why would he do that, it was probably disgusting. After waiting for a second Seojun returned to picking up clothes. Suddenly it seemed so easy to do it. Walking over to the pile of clothes he sat down and picked through the garments. He had learned to separate different fabrics and colors or else the material would be ruined. The heap of clothes was separated into five piles. After the clothes were sorted he stuck one of the piles into a basket to bring to his washer. As he returned he found a trash bag in Seojun’s left hand and chip bags in the other. By the time all the trash was picked up his clothes were ready to be folded. Bringing the basket back into the room he set it on his bed. This was always his least favorite part. It took forever to fold the clothes and put them away. 

This time was different though. Maybe it was due to Seojun standing next to him but he felt good. It was hard to place the feeling. It was refreshing in its own way. A genuine smile worked its way onto his face. He felt good and it was amazing. Glancing sideways he found Seojun looking at him. “What?” Was there something on his face? Did he do something weird? “Nothing.” A smile was on his face as he turned away. He wasn’t laughing at him. Was he happy to be with him? The thought made him positively glow.

~

Maybe Suho thought he was being discreet with his smiles. Seojun could tell the difference between true happiness and a mask. He didn’t understand why he was covering up his emotions but he didn’t want to confront him. Maybe he wasn’t comfortable sharing his pain at the moment. Regardless the moment he turned to his side and saw a genuine smile he couldn’t help it. He just stared. It had been so long since he had seen one. He wanted to savor the moment. Unfortunately, he was caught. “What?” It was a simple question but Seojun couldn’t answer. If he did he might cause the smile to slip from his face. “Nothing.” Turning away he felt like he could fly. He was content seeing Suho happy. If he had to clean his room a million times to see that smile again he would. 

Most people will never experience what happened at that moment. Oftentimes it takes great trials to appreciate the atmosphere surrounding these two boys. Two boys who, instead of parting ways should’ve been brought closer together. They should have been able to grieve their friend's death and mend the scars left behind. The universe didn’t give second chances often but perhaps this time it would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank Adriii_broccoli for quote inspiration in the last paragraph. I honestly wasn't quite sure where I was going to put that quote but it felt like that paragraph needed it. I would also like to thank Tiri, Yizhan_Wangxian, and Chilltaire for the comments. I'm not sure if I could've written this chapter without your motivation. Thank you to anyone that leaves kudos or bookmarks as well. I really do appreciate it and love you all! I'm not quite sure when I will update next but hopefully, it will be soon. Have a great day!


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bonjour mes amis! I'm sorry for my terrible french but I wanted to greet y'all differently today. It has come to my attention that a lot of non-native English speakers are reading this book. I would like to give a special thanks to you all for the extra effort you put into reading this story. I really really appreciate it. Uhm what else? Oh right if any of you wish to request a pairing for me to write about let me know. I might decide to write a story dedicated to you all. Today we have Seojun's point of view, Rikaraholic asked if I could do some of Seojun's pov so here it is. Hopefully, you enjoy it. Throughout this chapter, we will have flashbacks interrupting the main event. Hopefully, no one gets confused but if you do let me know, please. Once again a big thank you to everyone for reading, commenting, bookmarking, and sharing this story with friends. I love you all and wish you the best day possible. Au revoir!

Although they had comfort at that moment in Suho’s room, the atmosphere constantly changed. Alternating between awkward shifting, careful glances, shy smiles, and tension-filled moments. Currently, Seojun and Suho were locked in a fierce battle. They had been constantly switching the prescription for Suho out. Nothing seemed to work. The first set just seemed to make everything worse, setting off constant panic attacks. 

The first day of taking that set hadn’t been so bad. Suho had seemed perfectly normal besides slightly dazed eyes. Later on, in the week Seojun had noticed a few differences in his sleeping and eating patterns. He seemed to avoid Seojun at every turn. At first, Seojun was worried that saying something would only worsen Suho’s condition but as time wore on he grew sick of not being able to help. He had stood outside Suho’s door listening to him cry after he went to bed. The noise wrenched every light emotion and left him feeling hollow. They had pierced his heart until he couldn’t bear it any longer. Eventually, he had confronted him. 

~

“Suho, can we talk?” While he had meant it as a question his voice came out demanding. Immediately he felt guilty as he saw Suho tense at the question. Despite feeling guilty for causing that reaction he had to talk to him. Seojun had watched him deteriorate throughout the week and it scared him. Suho looked the same as when he had first attempted suicide. He couldn’t let that happen again.

“I’m kind of tired actually. Maybe we can talk in the morning?” Suho avoided looking at him and at that moment Seojun knew he had to discuss it now. Suho would continue to dodge this until it was too late. It frustrated Seojun that Suho couldn’t just trust him but a small voice whispered that he caused this. Stealing himself he let the words slip out. 

“No, we need to talk right now.” He deliberately put force into his voice. From the time they spent together, he had realized that Suho couldn’t reject him. Swallowing down the bile from his manipulation he took a deep breath. This was for the best. He was doing the right thing. Preparing to speak again he glanced at Suho only to realize something was wrong. His eyes seemed blurred and his breathing sounded off. 

Immediately Seojun went to his side. After the second panic attack he had asked for advice from doctors on what to do should it happen again. “I’m sorry. Don’t leave me.” Suho’s pleading broke his heart. Slowly wrapping his arms around Suho’s shoulders he pulled both of them to the ground. “I promise I can be happy for you. I’m okay. I’m okay.” Despite the questions whirling in his mind he only muttered some calming words. Gently rocking Suho back and forth he waited until Suho had stopped shaking. 

“Suho, can you hear me?” According to the doctor he had spoken to sometimes panic attacks caused dissociation with their surroundings. Waiting for a few seconds he repeated the question until he got a slight nod. “Can you tell me 5 things you can touch?” Again he had to repose the question multiple times. After a nod, he waited until Suho started speaking. It felt like they had sat there for hours until a shaky voice whispered, “ You.” In spite of the situation, Seojun couldn’t help the warmth that budded in his chest. The fact that Suho found comfort in him would always make him smile. 

“That’s really good. What else do you feel?” They continued the process until Suho was completely relaxed in his arms. Suho’s breathing had slowed down considerably and Seojun just wanted to hold him forever. 

~

Shortly after that break down the pills were exchanged. The next set only seemed to make Suho tired. He constantly fell asleep in class and at home. Regardless to say those pills were switched again. They were now on the 5th set of pills and they might be the worst yet. Suho was constantly agitated and would go into uncontrollable rages. Exactly like the situation they were in now. 

“I said I don’t want to eat!” The day had started pretty well. They had gotten dressed and attended school. The pills had been taken and both of them were in a good mood. As they had come home Seojun began noticing signs of agitation. As he asked Suho what he wanted to eat he had gotten a noncommittal response. Of course, he wouldn’t let Suho skip another meal when they had already missed breakfast. So here they were. In the kitchen. 

A full-blown shouting match was occurring. Seojun had tried being patient at first but as Suho’s voice raised his followed. “Well guess what!? You lost the right to decide that when you tried to kill yourself!” The words stung at his throat. Anger was bubbling in his eyes. Why couldn’t Suho just do what he asked? 

“I don’t need you to decide everything. Why does it matter if I want to kill myself? You didn’t care before, why do you now?” It felt like a slap in his face. He had always cared. He knew he had been a jerk. Suho knew how the guilt ate at him. They had talked about it multiple times during breakdowns through the night. Perhaps that was what spurred the rage within him to escalate the fight. 

~

“No matter what I do there's a voice telling me I’m a monster. I don’t deserve to live.” Suho was cuddled in his arms after a nightmare. It had become normal for them to sleep together. The terrors throughout the night only seemed to go away when someone else was around. So here he was listening to Suho’s latest dream. Except for this time he was talking about what he experienced during the day. It wasn’t often that Suho opened up to him so Seojun stayed quiet just soaking the information up. 

“The worst part is that it's your voice.” A vile feeling churned in his stomach. Tension riddled his shoulders. Of course, it would be his voice. He was to blame for most of this. Suho seemed to notice and glanced up into his eyes. Despite his best effort, he couldn’t stop the tears. It hurt so much. 

“I’m sorry.” Over and over he repeated the words. What else could he say? He had screwed up so bad. How could Suho even stand to be around him? The tears ran down his cheeks and his grip slipped from Suho. Taking a breath he scooted to the edge of the bed until a hand stopped him. Immediately he was pulled into a hug. Leaning his head onto Suho’s shoulder he breathed in his scent. “It’s okay.” Seojun couldn’t erase the guilt but he never wanted to leave these arms again. 

~

“If you keep on pushing people away you will end up all alone. If you don’t let others help you they will all leave and you’ll be left by yourself. Is that what you want?” The silence seemed to envelop them for a mere second. In that second Seojun saw the pain and fear swirl in Suho’s eyes. Why did he say that? With his mouth gaping, he took a step forward to comfort him. It wasn’t his fault. The pills made him like this. The next second was chaos. 

Fury poured into Suho’s eyes and a glass slammed into the wall beside Seojun. Cups flew and the sound of shattering glasses filled the room and Seojun ducked down. Luckily he was wearing long sleeves today but that didn’t stop a piece from grazing his cheek. The cut stung but all Seojun could focus on was the thrumming of his blood and the figure before him. 

Only after every glass was smashed did Suho seem to become aware of his actions. Seojun watched making sure it was safe for him to approach and as Suho fell to the ground he hurried to catch him. “Hey, it’s okay. We’re okay. How are you feeling?” Sure Seojun was the only one hurt but he needed to make sure Suho wasn’t a danger to himself. He didn’t receive an answer though. Sobs filled the apartment and Seojun knew they wouldn’t be eating tonight. 

Wrapping his arms around Suho’s knees and neck he lifted him into his arms. Slowly he walked to the bedroom leaving the glittering shards of glass in the corner looking like crystals. As he pushed open the door he casted a glance at Suho. Luckily none of the glass seemed to have cut him. Gently placing on the bed he went to stand back up but a look in Suho’s eyes made him pause. “I need to call the doctor. Will you be okay?” The sooner they got the pills switched out the better. 

Suho hesitated before shaking his head. “Please don’t leave me. I don’t want to be alone.” Of course, he didn’t. Once again Seojun beat himself up over his words. When would he learn to hold his tongue? Settling down into bed he pulled Suho into his chest. “ Don’t worry I won’t ever leave you again.” He stroked Suho’s hair. How could he ever lose him again? Unless Suho sent him away he would never leave. 

Throughout the months spent together, Seojun had realized something. Every smile sent his heart aflutter. He couldn’t find a single thing he would change about Suho. Sure there were certain parts that he resented but they all made up Suho. He would never want to alter him. Suho looked more beautiful than anyone Seojun had ever met. His laughter was enough to dig Seojun out of pits of sorrow. Looking down to see Suho’s closed eyes he said the words he would never tell him. 

“I love you.” With a gentle press of his lips, he kissed Suho’s forehead. Seojun had loved Suho since they met. He was too young at the time to recognize his feelings and from then on he considered them normal. It took a year of being separated and finally reuniting to discern his emotions towards Suho. How could Suho ever love him back though? He had treated him horribly. He didn’t deserve to love him yet here he was, clinging to him in bed. If only he hadn’t screwed everything up. Maybe they could have been more than friends.


End file.
